no man's land

Last weekend I locked myself out of my flat. I ran back to get my wallet (which I had forgotten) and then ran out leaving my keys behind. My flatmate (with the only other set of keys) was away until the next day and I had no way of getting back in. After an initial wave of frustrating I found the experience quite calming. All the things I had meant to do that weekend were now locked away from me, I was wearing ok clothes and I had my phone. I didn’t have my contact lenses in and that always makes me feel like my mind is only as focused as my vision, but that’s ok, and perhaps I would be able to soften the edges of my body and became as fuzzy as my reflection and then dissolve in to the day. I wandered around trying to.

Normally I carry as many things as I can shove in a bag, walk around crocked with the weight on one shoulder, but I had nothing with me. Can thoughts be heavy like a heart can? Can your back feel the burden of substantial ideas?

The following day at a pre-arranged time I came back to our building and slipped in through the gate after one of my neighbours. I sat on the grass in the sunshine to wait for my flatmate, who slept for another 2 hours at his girlfriend’s house. I was locked in and locked out. Stuck somewhere in no man’s land.

This weekend, to avoid doing the same thing I left my keys next to the kettle in the kitchen; somewhere visible so I would see them every time I left. And my flatmate fell into my trap. When he left last night he took my keys with him. Today I am under house arrest, back somewhere in no man’s land. I am getting to know where I am pretty well.